The Fact About Women's Shoes

The Fact About Women's Shoes

Scene: Monday Evening. Chettan apartment. An animated discussion.

Chettan: Do you know what you are saying? Do you understand the ramifications of publishing this theory on your career?

Mohit Takkar: I know and I do. And I will.

Chettan: Mohit Takkar don't do it, it will be the end of you. Your theory is more controversial than baptising a monkey.

Mohit Takkar: It is the truth. And I am willing to stake my reputation on it.

Chettan: The feminists and liberals will drive a stake through you and your reputation if you put this out. Can't you research and analyse a different subject? one with practical non-academic uses?

Mohit Takkar: Non-academic! How dare you sir! How dare you!

Chettan: I mean there are plenty of other good subjects...

Mohit Takkar: This is a subject of vast importance. It affects the spheres of Economics, Psychology and Philosophy; in addition to our own field of Anthropology.

 The Fact About Women's Shoes

Chettan: Anthropology does not concern itself with women's shoes!

Mohit Takkar: Does it not? Tell me, have you ever met a guy who has not wondered why women spend so much time, effort and money buying or thinking about shoes? Or one who has not been reduced to a tumour inducing mental state, because of the drama around women's shoes?

Chettan: Well yes, every man felt that at some point of time. But that is a part of existence; it cannot be helped.

Mohit Takkar: No, not any more. I have spent 6 years researching it; and the world will finally know the truth about the connection between women and shoes.

Chettan: That women wear shoes to be celibate and that the only criteria they have while buying shoes is how expensive they are!!!

Mohit Takkar: That's right. Women buy shoes to be celibate. And the choice is not based upon colour or type or comfort, all those things are just used to justify the expensive price tag. Shoes are the price that women charge to be celibate.

Chettan: Then why don't they just walk into the store and buy the most expensive pair? Why spend hours on end trying various pairs of shoes and soliciting opinions?

Mohit Takkar: Ah yes, that is because of three reasons. Firstly while buying shoes women need to calculate what is the maximum amount that they can spend on a pair while still having money left for food, secondly how to justify the price to others and themselves and thirdly how to find enough flaws in the unaffordable shoes as to not feel bad for not buying them.

Chettan: Seriously? You mean to say that women's shoes have nothing to do with walking and foot protection?

Mohit Takkar: Have you ever come across a women's shoe advertisement describing how comfortable a shoe is? They don't even describe how good a woman will look in the shoes, it is all just about how good looking the shoes are! And seriously have you ever tried to get a woman to walk, they take off their shoes in 20 steps and complain about them!

Chettan: Maybe they think that shoes are an important part of overall appearance, you know the ensemble - hats, outfits, accessories and the like...

Mohit Takkar: Who but a gay man would look at a woman's shoes? And that cannot justify the amount of time that women spend buying shoes? I mean no guy looks at a woman's shoes and goes man I got to get me some of that! All the good parts are way above the shoes, there is no need to look past the skirt. And in spite of being smarter than men; women continue to spend time effort and money to buy shoes. That proves that their reasons for doing so cannot be rational.

Chettan: OK but the link to celibacy is still unclear to me. How do shoes keep women celibate?

Mohit Takkar: The results of my study are that the longer a females feet touch the ground the more promiscuous she becomes, look at birds and fish both mate for life - low leg contact. Now consider lower mammals and insects they just can't get enough - massive leg contact. The first thing that women take off during sex, anywhere, are their shoes, have you ever wondered about that? Why even when a woman is drunk she will insist on taking off her shoes before any hanky panky.

Chettan: Couldn't that be because they care more for what happens to their shoes, than what happens to their bodies, which is why they take them off during sex?

Mohit Takkar: If women liked shoes so much then they would treat shoe makers and shoe company owners as movie stars, or shoe makers would have groupies like plastic surgeons. Tell me have you ever seen a woman lust after a shoe maker? It is all for being celibate. Do you know that as an interesting corollary during all my travels I found that tribes where there are no woman's shoes are domestically the happiest in the world.

Chettan: I think you have spent too much time under the sun, during your research on those tropical islands. And the results are showing.

Mohit Takkar: OK lets look at the facts. Rich women shop for shoes the more than anyone else and yet have you ever seen a rich woman walk or say that she has enough shoes? Is that not paradoxical? In addition even when they do go out the shoes are always under the table, where no one can see them. Shoes are the price that men pay to keep women celibate.

Chettan: Now you just bullshitting me.

Mohit Takkar: Let me give you a personal example. Have you noticed that in every one your lesbian fantasies women never wear shoes? That's because subconsciously men know that a woman with shoes would never get funky. Want more? OK have you heard of a fantasy of women making out in a shoe shop or watched a porno where women are getting it on in a shoe shop? Considering how much they like shoes, there should be a ton of both but no it isn't so. Why?

Chettan: I am a professor of Anthropology and happily married. I do not watch porn! And your so called study is all qualitative and lacks numbers.

Mohit Takkar: You might be a middle aged professor but you are still a guy. And as for numbers have you seen the population figures of bare foot third world countries? What could be more proof? I tell you the proof is all around us. Haven't you heard of the old lady who lived in a shoe?

Chettan: That was a fable you cannot compare that. And plus she had a whole bunch of kids.

Mohit Takkar: Precisely had a whole bunch of kids and then wanted to be celibate so moved into a shoe. It makes perfect sense.

Chettan: Nonsense. In all your years, post a break up has a woman ever left behind a pair of shoes in your apartment? Clothes maybe, makeup maybe, accessories maybe but shoes never. That proves that they simply like shoes more than everything else.

Mohit Takkar: That is not it. A woman's feet and not her brain are the most powerful sexual organ. It is so obvious, a woman can change her mind at any time but she can never change her feet. That's why the Japanese used to foot bind and cut of the women's toes and shrink the feet to control their women.

Chettan: That was a crazy fad, not something based on reason!

Mohit Takkar: No they knew exactly what they were doing. The foot is the most powerful sexual organ. But women with the help of Italian fashion houses have tried to hide this truth. Why even today the few men who know the truth about feet are not listened to, but deemed to be foot fetish perverts by society.

Chettan: Which is what I am increasingly starting to suspect that you might be. What you are saying cannot be true. If celibacy was the purpose, then why would women ask men how their shoes looked?

Mohit Takkar: Ah, that is a trick question. Because they know that only gay men look at and have opinions on women's shoes. And yet they ask because a woman is trying to say that, I am being celibate for you by wearing these shoes so you sure as hell know about it. And if a guy answers that they look bad, then she will feel bad because she is being celibate for such a poor reason; and if he says they look good then she knows that he is gay or is onto the truth about shoes.

Chettan: I am just not convinced by this.

Mohit Takkar: Open your eyes and your mind Chettan. Let me explain one more mystery to you, why do you think that women threaten to hit men on their head with their shoes? As a man do you think that it would hurt? No sir, the real meaning of that is that the woman is threatening her man that she will take off her shoes and as a result not be celibate any more.

Chettan: Shoes and celibacy, who would have thought?

Mohit Takkar: Exactly and here the truth has become so corroded that men are buying and going shopping for expensive shoes with women in the hope of getting some, when that is the very thing that is blocking them. Can you imagine? True game is in getting the shoes off and not her dress, because you can be sure to get some with no shoes, however no dress is not fool proof.

Chettan: But why do women want to be so celibate and not have sex?

Mohit Takkar: Wo Wo hold on a second there! I said I was smart enough to figure out the truth about women's shoes, I am not smart enough to figure out women! Please!

Chettan: Could it not be possible that you have just strung disparate bits of facts to form this theory about women and shoes?

Mohit Takkar: Do you have a better explanation?

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